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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26017984">Hurt Me, Please</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AstroZone/pseuds/AstroZone'>AstroZone</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Self-Harm Studies [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abnormal Self-Harm, Anger, Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Needs a Hug, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Self-Harm</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 05:49:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,164</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26017984</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AstroZone/pseuds/AstroZone</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Self-harm was more than slices on your wrist, or bruises, or burns.</p><p>For Roman, it was getting yourself in trouble on purpose, or being cruel to others in hopes that they'd hate you.</p><p>Because he deserved it, didn't he?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Self-Harm Studies [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1888342</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>120</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Hurt Me, Please</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>READ THE TAGS OR BE SAD AND HAVE IT NOT BE MY FAULT</p><p>if you end up sad and did read the tags, tho, then yeah it's my fault feel free to yell at me lmao.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Knowing it was self harm didn’t make it easier.</p><p> </p><p>He still lied. He still insulted. He still berated. </p><p> </p><p>Roman had an issue. His form of self harm wasn’t physical, it trashed and ruined his mind. Yet he couldn’t stop.</p><p> </p><p>He was constantly insulting people, his fellow sides. Constantly doing things to get himself in trouble, because, well… he deserved it, didn’t he? He was a <em> bad person </em>, and bad people deserve to be hated. </p><p> </p><p>Truthfully, he had been like this for as far as he could remember. And there were breaks, too. Where he simply lived with the others, laughing and making jokes about anything <em> other </em>than the other sides. There were moments where he thought he was done with insulting.</p><p> </p><p>But he always kept running back into the comfort of aggression.</p><p> </p><p>It was easier knowing everybody hated him. There was no question of whether or not the other sides liked him, he <em> knew </em> they didn’t. </p><p> </p><p>See? Easier.</p><p> </p><p>He sighed, looking into the mirror. There stood Roman Sanders, who may look hot on the outside, but was disgusting on the inside. Just plain awful. </p><p> </p><p>“Roooman!” Patton called from the other side of the door. He made a vague acknowledging noise, trying to fix his hair. “It’s dinnertime!”</p><p> </p><p>“Cool, I’ll be down in a bit!” He answered, giving up on fixing his appearance. Slumping into his desk, he shoved his head in his hands with a groan.</p><p> </p><p>Why did he have to exist? Just to hurt others?</p><p> </p><p>Whatever.</p><p> </p><p>He stood, jumping down the stairs two at a time. Might as well have a little fun before falling back into his act.</p><p> </p><p>“Hello, fair citizens!” he grinned, gesturing wildly. Virgil rolled his eyes, the two of them having gotten into a little spat earlier. He stabbed his plate of macaroni as Roman sat down across from him. </p><p> </p><p><em> Speak of the devil </em>, he thought as a piece of macaroni landed on his face. He glared at the perpetrator, Remus.</p><p> </p><p>“Aw, you think you’re funny,” he hissed, rolling his eyes. “I would too if I had the humor of a 12 year old.”</p><p> </p><p>“Roman!” Patton chided. Roman gave him an unimpressed glare.</p><p> </p><p>This method of self harm didn’t exactly make him feel better, but… it was what was right, wasn’t it?</p><p> </p><p>Virgil kicked him from across the table. He barely even flinched.</p><p> </p><p>In fact… he was relieved. The pain dulled his thoughts. He smiled.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re such an asshole,” Virgil muttered. “Smiling like this is just a funny joke.”</p><p> </p><p>“Can we please not get into an argument over dinner?” Patton asked, exasperated. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s not my fault!” Virgil hissed, standing up. “It’s his! He’s the one always insulting us, <em> all of </em>us!” he spun around to Roman, pointing at him with a sneer. “What is your problem?”</p><p> </p><p><em> Everything </em> , he wanted to say. <em> Everything’s wrong with me. I antagonize others, I yell until my voice gives out, I act as though I’m the best when I don’t even deserve to </em> <b> <em>live</em> </b> <b>.</b></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Remus may roll in garbage, but I’m the trashiest one here. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>But he didn’t say that. </p><p> </p><p>“Maybe you’re the problem.” he said instead.</p><p> </p><p>A second later, he was on the floor, basking in the pain racing along his face. He fought back a contented sigh.</p><p> </p><p>“Virgil!” Patton squeaked, standing up. “No! Bad!”</p><p> </p><p>“He’s not a dog, Patton.” Logan muttered, staring at Roman on the floor with disdain.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s his fault,” Virgil said, muttered like a prayer. “It’s his fault.”</p><p> </p><p>He smiled.</p><p> </p><p>“Look at him! He’s fucking- fucking <em> smirking </em>, like the entitled asshole he is!”</p><p> </p><p>The despair unhidden on his face went ignored.</p><p> </p><p>“There’s still no reason to punch him!” Patton argued. Remus summoned his morningstar. </p><p> </p><p>“Why not do worse?” he asked, to which Patton shook his head with a sharp glare. Remus pouted but complied, letting the weapon fade into oblivion. </p><p> </p><p>Roman stood up, a hand clutching his sash. Five gazes shifted to him, ranging from annoyed to pissed.</p><p> </p><p>“Y’know what,” Virgil started. “You know <em> what, </em>Roman? There have been many times where I’ve forced myself to back away from saying this, but you know what?</p><p> </p><p>“I hate you. I fucking hate you.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Oh. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“And I know everyone else here does too, though they won’t admit it.”</p><p> </p><p>Well, there had been a small, miniscule part of him that had known they didn’t, yet Roman felt it’s collapse in his entire body.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Oh. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He distantly heard Patton’s voice, probably berating Virgil for telling the truth.</p><p> </p><p>“This is all I’ve ever wanted…” he trailed off, staring off into space as the others turned to him.</p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p>“This is all I’ve ever wanted!” he hiccuped, tears starting to stream down his cheeks. “So why does it hurt so bad?”</p><p> </p><p>“... I don’t understand.” Logan said.<em> Neither did he. </em></p><p> </p><p>He wiped the tears from his face, not even noticing as new ones took its place.</p><p> </p><p>“I know,” he said. “I know, I know, I <em> know </em> … that you all hate me. I know I’m an asshole, I know I’m a jerk, I know I hurt <em> all of you </em>…”</p><p> </p><p>Virgil scoffed. “Yeah right. Then why’d you do it?”</p><p> </p><p>“I had to,” he gasped, ignoring the urge to slam his head into a table. “Had to- it’s what I deserve. Deserve to be hurted, deserve the hatred, deserve to cry, but <em> I’m sorry </em>, I’m sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>“Roman? You don’t… you don’t deserve to be hated- and- and we don’t hate you!” Patton cried. His gaze flicked up, and hell, even Virgil looked guilty. </p><p> </p><p>They were better at acting than he thought.</p><p> </p><p>He laughed. Loud and harsh, he laughed. <em> I’m going insane, </em> he thought as tears of despair flowed down to smiling teeth while he howled. He choked on his own spit, the sound mixing with his mirth in a horrid mess of feelings.</p><p> </p><p>“As if!” he screamed. “As if you fucking <em> care </em> about me! I’ve been nothing but mean to you and you act like I deserve to- to <em> live! </em> Just leave! Just let me wallow in my sorrow to die!”</p><p> </p><p>“Roman- no…” Patton took a step closer. Roman backed up desperately, tripping over his feet onto the ground. He hardly noticed it.</p><p> </p><p>“No! No, get away from me!” he screeched, voice cracking as he scrambled away.</p><p> </p><p>“Roman,” Virgil sobbed. “Roman I’m sorry- I didn’t- I didn’t mean it, I was angry, we don’t <em> hate you-” </em></p><p> </p><p><em> “Don’t fucking lie to me!” </em> he shouted, Virgil’s eyes somehow widening further. Roman turned his glare onto Janus as he opened his mouth to speak. He hissed, “ <em> Don’t you dare.” </em></p><p> </p><p>He stared at all of them. Remus, Virgil, and Patton were openly sobbing, while Janus had tears escaping his eyes and Logan had a hand to his mouth. </p><p> </p><p>With a snarl, Roman sprinted away to his room, ignoring as the others cried out after him.</p><p> </p><p>He slammed the door, shoving himself against it and sliding down in sobs.</p><p> </p><p>He screamed, desperately grabbing at his hair and slamming his head against the door, again, and again, and again.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Why did knowing hurt so much?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Guess I'm turning this and What's An Ever After into a series all about different forms of self harm, eh? I'm surprised too lmao.</p><p>Remember, all forms of self harm are bad! But I won't hate you for doing it, as I do it too. We can work on getting better, together. </p><p>Discord: https://discord.gg/vVKBPzg</p><p>Tumblr: astrozones</p><p>Twitter: astrozone3</p><p>Roman Stan discord: https://discord.gg/8HGHbJ9</p><p>love yall &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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